Breaking

You ignore it.

You fight it.

You bury your head

in the sand, your work, distractions galore.

Me too.

But then some days, when I have my wits about me, I say, “OK… break me.”

Life without worries and trials and heart-ache grows emotionally flabby people. And I am reminded that to be fit requires some amount of pain.  Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I am tempted to use rosy, powerful words like “embrace life’s challenges, stand strong, blah blah blah…”

But honestly, I hate it.  And honestly, that is powerful.

 

Here’s to breaking and hope for building something even better…er.

Sex

Reminds me of the sex talks I had with my mom….

(haha, sorry mom!  was too funny not to say… love you!)

I can guess a couple of things from this:

1. the FREE info was so good it just FLEW out of the little container
2. the FREE info is free …because it costs nothing to produce

Well, there are other options of course.

But the reason I snapped this picture is because we are still not talking about sex and the value of a human being and how we will spend a the value of a human being on something so fleeting as sex. How we spend the value of a child on silence.  How we spend the value of a souls on something so temporarily ‘satisfying’.

Let’s start talking. Doing. Protecting and Restoring.

(P.S. Thanks Cheryl with Women at Risk International, for your phone call today!)

When one door closes…

Just saw on Facebook a little cartoon (black box with 2 eyes glaring out of the darkness), ”…when one door closes another opens… but man these hallways are a bitch!”

It got me thinking that there are all sorts of things that get us thru the pitch black hallways of our lives.  For me it’s humor, faith and experience.

If I can laugh at it, I am reminded that whereas it MAY be bigger, badder and meaner than I am… I may just be able to smile and wait it out. Working thru it as best I can. My dad is a prime example of this.  He’s working thru (like a CHAMP) dementia right now. And for such a smart, caring guy it’s super tough to not be able to find words (one of the effects). He also has lung cancer, but his humor is part of what keeps him lucid, cheerful and remarkably level headed.  He tells people, “I have this thing called (forgets word, fumbles..laughs..remembers word) dementia.  It makes it hard for me to well, you know… The good news is they have found a cure!” We all look incredulously wondering if he has lost it – or knows something we don’t know! He continues, “It’s called terminal lung cancer (huge smile)”

Lots of people think that’s tragic, but it’s hilarious and how he chooses to meet his life circumstances.  I want to be more like my dad.

Then there is faith. For me, it’s faith in a kind, loving God who actually has a plan.  I don’t mean “the ONE and ONLY thing I am supposed to do with my life that is going to be HUGE” kind of plan that is typical for many American christians.  But a plan that will benefit everyone. (Because that is who He loves… everyone) I have faith that He will let ME be a part of that plan to love and benefit those ‘everyones’ that are in my life.  Even if I meet them in the “dark hallways” of our lives.

And experience.  The good thing about ‘aging’ (the smart quotes are because I am still a bit in denial – seems less real that way) is that I have lived thru a ton of S***. (what!? it’s STUFF!) And lo and behold, I am still here!  Yay! It’s not just “This too shall pass” because I don’t just want to hunker down till stuff (see, I told you) blows over.  I want to push forward, wait purposefully – which incidentally IS pushing forward – remaining humble and willing to learn, confident I can learn and I WILL see light… I hope it’s soon.

Rest and creativity

There are a lot of things that ‘fuel’ creativity, right?  Kids, the sun rising, a familiar sound, a certain color next to another unexpected color. All sparks, but I think it’s rest that gives you legs to stand on and eyes to see with.

I’m creative – a constant stream of ideas -bad, half-baked, Polly Anna-ish… But then there are ones that stick. Ideas I can’t shake. They come from a place of peace, rest and relaxed focus.

I’m not talking about laying down and clearing your mind – tho, I do that sometimes – but centering activities. Like working out or taking pictures. Both require a sort of mindless focus.  You breathe in, breathe out and shoot (or lift, or punch, or kick… whatever). No chatting, no producing. Just this one thing. Just this one moment.

It’s about the lack of need for immediate results.  I didn’t say editing photos was centering, it’s not. Too stressful…too many choices, too many opinions and the need for great results. I didn’t mention prepping for my group fitness class either (same thing). But when I lift, results are something that come later- some time after the pain! When I shoot, I focus only on that one thing, right in front of me, right now.  I shoot a lot, samples to work from later.  No results pressure.

I don’t worry about quality.  It’s a luxury afforded by lots of practice.  My lifting form is already pretty good – any issues get written down and addressed before the next session. Similarly, I have experience framing a shot.  I understand lighting and composition. I simply give/take as much as I absolutely can in each moment.  No thinking. No stress.

No worrying. Single minded focus. THIS is mind relaxation.

And as I drive away…my mind is flooded. Blog topics, marketing ideas, photo ops,decorating ideas, relationship solutions, introductions I want to make.

The only problem is the missing assistant in the subsequent car ride to take notes and make phone calls during the crazy-flooding-mind filling idea storm.

How do YOU relax?  What spurs YOUR creativity?  I would love to hear it!

borrowing faith

I recently read an article “Breaking the Wall During Workouts“ 

It’s good, but again, I have to pick on #4. Maybe I will always just champion the underdog… or perhaps it’s my desire to point out “But the Emperor isn’t WEARING any clothes!” (read Hans Christian Andersen’s story)  even if I am the Emperor.

As Jason mentions in step #4: “Commit & Believe – look in the mirror and tell yourself that you will succeed.”

This is where I struggle.  I can commit.  I will die trying (let’s hope not!). But to tell myself that I CAN do something that I do not KNOW I can do…well, it seems like a lie. And it feels very 80′s ish.

What I propose for those of you like me who maybe you don’t know HOW to believe in yourself in this positive affirming way… is to borrow faith.  There are others who have gone before me, who have seen me work and who are free to have unencumbered faith in me.  They don’t have crazy old tapes playing in the back of their heads about ME that mess their belief system up.

I think that is why God gave us community… friends, and personal trainers!  Thanks for letting me borrow YOUR faith – until it becomes my own.

Related post:

http://bethkolar.wordpress.com/2009/12/20/half-of-doing/

De-Stressing

You can workout – or take photos …of others working out. I prefer the former but my Dr says it will be another couple weeks before I can do that. (Silly accident=neck brace, blah blah blah…more on that later)

So… here is my weekend De-Stresser click the image to see all 425 Lake Holiday Triathlon photos:

 
…after posting this to the wrong blog, I have more de-stressing to do. Gimme something to take pictures of QUICK!

Failure and ego

Failure hurts in proportion to the amount of ego involved. (granted you aren’t failing at saving someone’s life in a crisis situation or the like)

It doesn’t help to act big and tough or talk about how failure is essential to success either. Smiling also does not help. I mean those things may keep you from breaking down on the spot, but in the long run the issue of ego HAS to be addressed.

Cruder mornings

Ever wake up just feeling crappy? Haha! Ok, ok. Dumb question. Let’s just say it’s rhetorical.

I hardly EVER wake up in bad mood, or overly tired anymore. But today I woke up and was immediately dizzy. Decided to sleep in. But… Guy was already up and forgot to turn off his alarm (which I only know how to snooze!)

Yeah. I got up, crabby and dizzy. I looked around for Guy (yes, to yell at him about his clock). But when I looked out the window – there he was… Nurturing his ‘flowers’ (read: trees). Haha! I fell in love again.

I still feel dizzy and crappy. But happy inside. Thanks Guy

(PS. He was actually at war with the grass. Killing things. Oh well. I still love him)

strong love

What drew me to this post was the funny typo in her twitter announcement.

eloranicole  ”i WAS going to pot anonymously, but then i decided against it.”

I replied that if I was going to go to pot I would also prefer to do it anonymously!

Funny what gets our attention…

Since I took the time to poke fun at her mistake I decided it good form to actually read the post. As I read the following two quotes the words “strong love” came to mind.

… in any situation i’m avoiding or feeling hesitant, my first inclination is to run to the farthest point of contact.

…and once again the feelings of invisibility creeped their way into my heart, i recognized them for what they were and i chose to step into the light.

For me ‘strong love’ is not running even when I really-really want to, but instead staying or stepping into the light.  It takes strength. The stepping into is more about stepping between evil and those I love. My motivation (misguided, codependant, hero complex) has always been a desire to give a better life to those around me (or is that just how I am without specific clinical diagnosis?).  I don’t know how to do it without living it myself. Even then I don’t know… I just hope.

I love that God gives me the desire to press into truth that ultimately frees me and gives me room to run, to be me.  Known. in the light. Whatever my motivation- no matter how messed up I am.

 

Thanks Elora!

leadership – followerness

On Google+ I jumped into a conversation about Leadership and while posting an answer, I moved my finger on my mouse and the whole post was erased.  I figured, better write it here – so my crazy finger doesn’t get the best of me again

Here’s the post:

What I really wanted to say was this:

Whereas we may think that what sets leaders apart from followers is intentionality or drive or higher purpose or selflessness or whatever attribute that makes “us” better than “them”… I would say that leaders are made by followers. It doesn’t matter how intentional or charismatic or whatever you are… if people don’t follow you, you aren’t leading anyone. (and I would propose you are then, not a leader)

Reasons people follow other people (who we THEN call leaders):

• inspiration
• laziness
• lack of personal vision
• alignment with personal vision
• because others do
• poor taste
• need to be told what to do
• faith in the one being followed
• buy-in
• love
• fear
• …

You get the idea.  Too many reasons – good and bad – to list.

But GOOD leadership has to be defined by the standard of  what we determine to be ‘good’. Is a good leader someone who has lots of followers? Or someone who’s cause is important? Or….

These things really mess with my head.  So I have determined NOT to strive to be a good leader. But instead to be a good follower.  A good …person.

A good person:

• is kind
• doesn’t lie
• loves well
• loves quickly
• cares for others
• respects what is theirs
• respects what belongs to others
• (and for me) honors God

There are, of course, LOTS more things on that list, but that is the basic setup.

If there are people around me that want to hang with me while I am trying to live my life well, they are welcome to do so.  I then determine to be a good friend (as determined by the above “good person” list)

But the idea that a leader is more selfless than a follower, or more dedicated to a cause or more invested – I don’t buy that.  I know team players (followers) that are more invested than their leaders, but for whatever (any number of) reasons they are not designated as the ‘leader’. That large followership base or charismatic personality or intentionality makes a good leader is also not, in my opinion, a good standard (Hitler, Mussolini…).  Time on the “big circuit” is probably also not a good standard (Jesus, Ghandi…)

As with most conversations I enter – the answer is way simpler and way more complex than I ever think at the start of the conversation.

 

Simple: Be good. Don’t worry about the rest

Complex: There is so much more than meets the eye when it comes to why some people are followed while others are not, or why some have large amounts of followers and others small amounts… well, I don’t REALLY know. This post was my stab at sharing what I think I know.