Afraid

Today begins a new series of ONE WORD self expression blog posts.

No, you are not so lucky as to come here for only one word.  But my title and twitter updates for these posts will be ONE WORD.

Today I am starting with ‘Afraid’.  I wanted to start with Lonely, Broken, Empty, Sad or… well, you get the idea.  I chose ‘Afraid’ because I was afraid to just tweet “Broken” this morning.  I have been afraid to post ANYTHING not positive since my Dad died and my youngest son and his family moved away.  Who needs to read that anyway?  Broken?  What does it even mean????

Instead I tweeted: What do you use social media for? Getting info? News? Getting to know people? Self expression? Changing the world? #whypostatall

I wanted permission to be me. To use Twitter to express myself.  I wanted it because I don’t know WHY I am tweeting. I am unsure of the impact or who I reach.  I wanted permission to be lazy.  To not think thru my purpose.  And in writing that tweet I remembered… I want to change the world.  My self expression is just for that.

“How can the one-word-tweet “Broken” change the world?” you might ask.  I don’t think it does.  It could, tho, in small incremental ways, with some help… with some understanding.

Here’s what I mean:

I had a friend tell me how well I was doing.  Like he could hardly tell I was grieving. Like he maybe couldn’t tell that my heart hurt, my chest ached and I cried every day.  Like he thought that people not KNOWING you’re sad is an achievement. 

This is what I want to change.

Maybe it’s because I am already broken, but hiding and faking and thinking that pretending will change reality makes me most sad.  It’s like sadness heaped on top of sadness.

I don’t think I have to pretend I am happy to BE happy.  Happiness comes.  Happiness can be honestly found in the middle of sadness…it just pops up.  You might be looking at a flower, or a friend just smiles at you and you remember about hope and that you are loved and…. and there’s happiness popping up.

What is most sad is the lack of honesty, honest feelings, honest expression of the quiet parts of your heart. Or the loud parts. Sometimes my heart seems to be screaming from inside my chest.  Fighting for truth about the good things and about the sad things.  But, I am afraid… that you won’t be able to hang with me, that all those feelings will scare you away, that you aren’t really ready to be honest and it scares you more than it scares me.  And I lose you.  My expression comes at the cost of you.

Selfishly, I lose. I am alone. Globally, we all lose. We lose the real, pure giving of yourself – which is what you are here for.

However, I have decided to face the “Afraid” and opt for changing the world. Small, incremental one-word-twitter type changes for those who listen and may be afraid, but want to be a part of change, growth, life altering healthy honesty.

Thanks for listening. and I do wish just ONE WORD could do the trick. 😉

 

(related: https://bethkolar.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/breaking/)

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2 thoughts on “Afraid

  1. This is beautiful, Beth. You do hide your emotions “well.” Here’s the thing, though – everyone loves you BECAUSE of those emotions. You carry your Dad’s memory in your heart – so as long as you live, let your heart speak ❤

    Like

  2. Sure, no one wants to read negativity, but a REAL message is better than a fake one even if the fake one seems to be more pleasing to the readers. I read a lot of blogs (a LOT..) and when people put their honest, raw expression of what’s going on in their head, that’s when they get the readers that they really deserve. The ones willing to listen to what you have to say and give some feedback and connection to you. So why not just say exactly what you want to, and see who’s out there? Share your brain, ya know? (wow longest rambling comment award goes to…)
    🙂

    Like

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